


99 roses

by johnyongclub



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Summer Romance, idk what else to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24909781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnyongclub/pseuds/johnyongclub
Summary: Summer is about to end and Johnny is going with it.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	99 roses

**Author's Note:**

> just a quick one!! was working on boxing coach!johnny but then jcc happened and i can't NOT write this one. enjoy? no betas and i didn't proofread as always!

Taeyong stares into the screen of the camcorder in his hand as he films Johnny eating, stuffing his mouth full of the omelette Taeyong had prepared for him while he was asleep. The screen flickers, an old film because it's an old device, handed down from his grandparents to his parents to him.

He'd always wondered what to do with it. It wasn't until he met Johnny at the beginning of summer that he realized its purpose and he hadn't stopped filming since. It isn't clever, he knows that, especially since Johnny would be gone, back where he came from once August rolls around.

"Hey," Johnny says, a smile on his face but he doesn't speak until he's swallowed his food. "Put that thing down and eat, babe."

Taeyong couldn't help the twitch of his lips, feeling them curl into a natural smile. He calls it the Johnny effect; there's not once that Johnny fails to bring one to his face. And now is no different. 

He merely hums, gaze fixated on the screen of the camcorder, watching the way Johnny's mouth moves. It's such a simple thing too, the way his lips are shaped and the way his jaw shifts, his throat bobs as he swallows. It makes him think of the way Johnny's mouth feels soft to the touch but firm when he kisses the air out of Taeyong's lungs. It makes him think of the way the skin where his adam's apple is feels nice to press his lips to. 

It's such a simple thing but it has Taeyong transfixed.

It makes him sadder when he's reminded that this is what it looks like; a temporary bliss. 

"I'm not going anywhere," Johnny says and he has a hand curled around Taeyong's wrist in the gentle way he handles Taeyong, soft, as if afraid Taeyong would break. His eyebrows raised, a laugh spilling past his pink lips, prompting Taeyong to put the device down so they could enjoy breakfast.

But what does Johnny mean when he says he isn't going anywhere? Taeyong knows it's stupid to hope but he hopes Johnny meant that he'll stay. 

Here, with taeyong. So they could have fall and winter and spring. And summer again. And then again. 

It's an image Taeyong wishes he could replay on the camcorder in his hand but that'd be in his dreams, if Johnny ends up leaving anyway. Summer is about to end and Johnny is going with it.

"I'm not going anywhere," Johnny repeats and he'd swallowed another spoonful of eggs and he's smiling at Taeyong, in that way he usually does, the one that makes Taeyong's heart race. 

_ Please stay _ , he wants to say but instead he smiles at Johnny and he continues to film him even as he rises from his seat to lean over and press a kiss to Johnny's cheek. 

Silent but loud enough to say,  _ please stay _ .

* * *

"I've been meaning to ask you," Johnny is saying as he cards his fingers through Taeyong's dark locks, as if picking apart the blacks and the blonde highlights that Taeyong had just bleached on himself. "What do you plan on doing with those videos?"

They're seated on the sand, enjoying a nice breeze of the summer heat. Johnny's long legs bracket Taeyong's smaller frame and occasionally he could feel the hard planes of Johnny's muscled abdomen against his back whenever Johnny would lean in close, whether to press a kiss to his cheek or whisper against the shell of his ear.

He's wearing a simple white tee to pair with a pair of summer shorts and Johnny has on a yellow shirt with palm tree prints, unbuttoned to expose his skin. When Johnny hands him the sunscreen, Taeyong takes it and shifts so he could have better access.

Johnny leans back on his palms and Taeyong is rewarded with a clear view of his torso, a hard earned result of his time in the gym. He pours the lotion onto his palm and spreads it over Johnny's firm and lean abdomen.

"I'm going to keep them in a memory box," He says finally, answering Johnny's question with a little teasing smile as his palm smoothes over golden skin.

Johnny's smile widens. "Do you keep videos of men you spend time with during the summer in that box?"

Taeyong laughs, shaking his head. "No, but I can start with you."

His hand is lingering now on Johnny's front, thumb brushing over his skin, a little slick with the sunscreen. They share a smile, small and intimate, and then Johnny says;

"Is it bad that I kind of want to be the only one?"

Something big and ugly stirs within Taeyong's chest, the big ball of emotions he tries not to focus on nudged awake by the question Johnny asked. For a moment, Taeyong is fearless. "And what if you are? What if there's only space for you?"

"I'd be very happy," Johnny tells him, leaning forward with a large hand curled over Taeyong's nape and he first kisses his forehead before his lips find Taeyong's. A soft lingering kiss. 

He's tempted once again to ask Johnny to stay but the moment is gone and Taeyong is afraid. He lets his palm slide down the middle of Johnny's chest, resting just above his navel and he says it the only way he knows how to.

"Sucks that you have to go by the end of the week."

"Yeah," Johnny sighs, as if just remembering that summer is coming to an end and he has a whole other life waiting for him in Chicago. "It's a bummer. I wanna stay here forever."

Taeyong takes this as an opened window of opportunity. He moves to straddle Johnny's lap, never mind the fact that they're at the beach, just a little far off to enjoy some privacy. "Then stay. What's stopping you from staying?"

It's the first time he'd ever asked, in all the months Johnny had been here since the start of the season. He brushes his nose against Johnny's cheek, kisses his jaw. His heart is pounding against his chest, so much that he could feel a dull beat of it in his head. 

"I thought I told you about the contract I signed with the company?" Johnny says, his palms warm against Taeyong's hips. "It's a good start for my career, baby. I've thought about it long and hard."

It feels like rejection and it's ugly and it burns at his lungs, all the way up his throat, threatening to spill from his eyes. He swallows. For a moment, Taeyong merely stares at Johnny's lips, carving them into memory. He feels dejected and it shows in the way his shoulders slump. Johnny must have noticed.

"Are you sad, Taeyong?" He asks, a hand raised to brush back a stray strand of hair. The backs of his fingers caress Taeyong's cheek. "I'm sorry. I thought we made it clear that—"

"It's clear," Taeyong interjects, nodding. He's embarrassed and it pains him to look up into Johnny's eyes and wear a smile. His next words are teasing but he thinks it doesn't hold the light tone he intended. "Just thought I'd talk you into staying a little longer."

Clearly, Johnny could tell. He cups Taeyong's cheeks in his palms and presses a lingering kiss onto his lips. They stay that way for a while, lips against lips, skin on skin and breaths mingled into one.

"You'll be in  _ my _ memory box, Lee Taeyong."

* * *

In some ways, Johnny feels like a secret. 

All his friends had gone away for the summer and Taeyong hadn't been able to join in the fun because of work. As a rising make-up artist, he couldn't risk not signing with the summer project that required him in town all throughout the season.

While at first it had bugged him that he couldn't go on a summer trip with Doyoung, meeting Johnny on set had kind of made it all worth it. 

It was a particularly hot summer day, the season had just officially begun and the project had started two days prior. The models from the previous days were ones Taeyong had recognized and hit it off with immediately so work had been mostly fun.

Johnny came on the third day, a new face in the industry and he walked in to set with a heart-throbbing smile that charmed everyone; from the photographer to the designers and the crews. Taeyong, unfortunately, wasn't ruled out.

Of course he was smitten from day one. Taeyong is a hopeless romantic and perhaps getting into this not-so relationship with Johnny wasn't his best decision. Perhaps he should have left it as just that; a one night stand with the model he didn't even have to put makeup on to look pretty.

But then Johnny told him he would be staying for the rest of summer, something about touring the city and enjoying the sun here in a different country. And when Johnny had asked to hang out after work, Taeyong jumped at the opportunity. 

He didn't realize until a month later, when Johnny mentioned going back to Chicago once summer is over, that he's involved in a typical fling like in those overly corny and cliche movies he used to watch.

It started to sound pathetic even to himself when June ended and he found himself replaying clips on his camcorder, of Johnny laughing, Johnny playing in the sand, Johnny swimming.

_ Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. _

Now, laying on his belly between Johnny's shapely thighs with his cheek against the male's abdomen, Taeyong lets his eyes close and breathe to the slow rise and fall of Johnny's chest. 

They're in his bed with the doors to the balcony opened to allow the sunlight and air in. The sun is setting so the heat had subsided, though not enough to make Johnny want to wear a shirt and Taeyong really couldn't complain.

It's quiet, too quiet Taeyong thinks Johnny might be asleep if it isn't for the way his hand gently caresses over the knobs of Taeyong's spine. He returns the affection with a kiss upon the hard planes of Johnny's stomach, just the right of his navel.

"What are you thinking?" Taeyong asks because Johnny is always thinking, especially when he's silent. They are opposites in that sense; Taeyong is always voicing his thoughts aloud.

Well, except about asking Johnny to stay, that is.

Johnny hums, fingers toying with Taeyong's hair. "Did you know that when someone gives you ninety-nine roses, the message they're trying to say is literally  _ 'I will love you til the day I die' _ ?" He says with a little laugh before correcting himself. "You. I'm always thinking about you these days."

It makes Taeyong smile. He lifts his head to rest his chin on Johnny's chest, meeting his gaze. "I'm right here, though."

"I know," Johnny lets out a laugh, the one that sounds like a staccato, always so pleasing to hear. "I've just been thinking, I guess. My flight is this Sunday and, like… If it's okay with you, I'd actually like for us to go on a little date."

Taeyong stops breathing. He doesn't know if the pounding in his chest means he's happy or confused or angry. Is Johnny playing with him? And if so, how pathetic should he let himself be? His head lifts to meet Johnny's gaze properly, a frown on his forehead.

"But you're leaving…" 

Johnny purses his lips. "I am, but I thought it'd be nice to leave on a good note. Don't want you to remember me as just a summer fling."

Taeyong swallows, hard and painful, something like stone lodged within his throat. His vision blurs and he quickly flickers his gaze downwards, onto the smooth of Johnny's skin. "You can never be just a summer fling."

"Yeah?" Johnny murmurs, pulling Taeyong  _ up _ ,  _ up _ ,  _ up _ , until their faces are just inches apart. He kisses Taeyong softly, a gentle brush of his lips and then a smile pressed against Taeyong's jaw. "Then do you think you're free Friday night?"

This makes Taeyong giggle, the sound muffled against Johnny's soft mouth. He nods his head and presses another kiss to Johnny's cheek. "I will be for you. Pick me up at six?"

The smile on Johnny's lips widens and he nods as well. "Pick something nice to wear. We're not going to the beach, for once."

* * *

When Johnny said they were going someplace else that isn't the beach, Taeyong would never have thought it'd be the museum after a nice, fancy dinner at a restaurant he had never stepped foot in. 

The art museum isn't new to Taeyong. In fact, he had once walked past it every day to campus and then back again. It's an average sized building, nothing too fancy and Taeyong had never truly had the time to visit and look at the inside of it.

Now, though, Taeyong sees it all. 

It looks like how an art museum would look, magnificent artwork lining the walls, each one carrying its own story and looking as though they were new and not kept here for the past hundred years.

Taeyong stands by a particular painting of a silhouetted man watching the sun set, feeling a pang in his chest and the grip he has around his camcorder tightens, as if afraid it'll fall. He doesn't realize Johnny is watching him until he hears his voice, calm against the chaotic depiction of art.

"Lonely, isn't it?" Johnny is saying as he stands next to Taeyong, gazing at the same art piece. "You could tell just by looking at it. It's scary, in a way."

Taeyong steals a glance at Johnny, drinks in the sight of his profile and it brings a smile to his lips. He's wearing a peach colored shirt, a few top buttons undone. To complete the look, he has on a light brown, printed cotton jacket that matches his pants. A true model, Taeyong thinks.

"Is that one of your biggest fears? To be lonely?"

"To be alone," Johnny corrects him and this time their gazes meet and Johnny's smile is a little hard at the edges. "I don't want to live lonely."

He turns back to the painting and lets Johnny's words sink in. He's never thought of it that way, never thought of the future properly, so now that it's on his mind, Taeyong could feel the familiar inkling of uncertainty that makes his skin crawl. 

His chest tightens. Briefly, for just a second, the future he sees when he blinks has _ Johnn _ y. And already Taeyong knows it is only an image his mind conjured. Johnny leaves in two days.

There is no future. Not unless he makes it.

"You'll never be lonely," Taeyong says then, quiet for a moment, before he slips his hand into Johnny's. "You'll never be lonely as long as you have me."

There's something in the way that Johnny's lips twitch into a smile, almost as if he wanted to say something but decided against it. Taeyong doesn't ask. He doesn't want to push it so when Johnny squeezes his hand, he lifts up the camcorder and films the male, effectively earning himself a laugh.

* * *

Taeyong had never quite understood how and why is it that when one is genuinely enjoying something, the time passes too quickly. 

He spent his Saturday cooking with Johnny, preparing lunch side by side, their hips glued together and laughing over the smallest, simplest things. They ate slowly, cherishing the time they do have and sharing things that slipped their minds over the summer. 

And apparently there are many things.

"I've always been on my own, honestly," Johnny is telling him, taking a sip of water to wash down the food he'd just chewed. "Dad left before I was even born and mom didn't make it through her surgery. I've been under foster care all my life, basically. Well, at least until I got to college. Gonna be on my own again when I go back."

Taeyong listens. He listens well and sometimes he thinks he's better at it than talking. Knowing this about Johnny leaves him speechless but he doubts Johnny wants his sympathy, so Taeyong teases.

"The offer still stands," He says with a playful grin. "You can stay here, you know? You've been here for months. The house already loves you."

Johnny laughs, the staccato sound, imprinted into the back of Taeyong's brain. To remember always. "I promise, Taeyong, that if the opportunity comes up this is the first place I'd come home to."

_ Home _ , Johnny had said. It makes Taeyong's insides warm, like when he takes the first sip of his morning coffee, streaming down his chest and through his veins. He likes it. He likes how it feels.

He rests his chin onto the heel of his palm then, keeping his fond gaze on Johnny. For the first time, he doesn't have his camcorder near. He wants to spend the day with Johnny before it ends.

"Can I write to you?" Johnny asks, soft gaze meeting Taeyong's. "When I'm away, I mean. Is it alright if I send you letters?"

Taeyong's eyebrows raise in question. "I didn't know you were a romantic."

"I'm not," Johnny laughs again, shoulders lifting in a shrug. "But I think you've made me into one. And I also think it's nice. Maybe you can write me back."

The idea makes Taeyong's heart flutter. "I think that's a great idea. It'll be fun."

"Right?" Johnny agrees. "I'll write first. Once it comes in the mail, you can reply at your own time."

Taeyong nods, beaming as he lifts his glass and sips from it. It's a start, he thinks. If they continue to write to each other, that could only mean there is some sort of connection that Taeyong could hold on to. If he could be selfish, he would be. 

He would ask Johnny to stay.

"I can still text you, right?" He asks playfully and laughs when Johnny laughs, the taller boy nodding his head. "We could still call."

Johnny's smile softens but he nods once more, curtly. That was the last they spoke of keeping contact.

  
  


* * *

  
  


There's an ugly weight on his chest as he stood in the middle of the airport, hands held in Johnny's larger ones, silent as if speaking would break the fragile wall around them, the happy bubble they've lived in for the entire summer, just the two of them.

His head throbs and his chest aches. His eyes burn from the tears that pooled within them and when he blinks, they fall, multiple drops onto the back of his hands and one on the spot just below Johnny's thumb.  _ This is it _ , he thinks. 

This is where they say goodbye.

Johnny pulls him in with a hand curled around his nape and his eyes close as Johnny's lips press against his forehead. When he opens them to meet Johnny's gaze, the pain feels almost tangible, physical. 

He thinks it's ridiculous that it could be this dramatic. Chicago may be far away but he knows he could visit and Johnny had himself said he would come back if the opportunity rises. 

Yet somehow, in some ways, it feels almost final. Like a last goodbye, like there would no more hellos. It burns his lungs, his throat, his eyes. 

"Chin up, baby," Johnny says and there's a smile in his voice, on his lips. He looks beautiful like this, so close even though he feels so far away. Something just barely out of reach. "Get home safe, okay?"

Taeyong nods, sniffling. "I hope you do as well."

Johnny's palms cup his cheeks, his thumbs wiping off the tear trails and he pulls Taeyong in for a kiss, a soft press of his lips on Taeyong's pair. 

"Take good care of your memory box, Lee Taeyong."

Taeyong doesn't know what he truly meant but he nods anyway and he watches as Johnny waves him goodbye and he stays rooted to the ground even after Johnny disappears. For a moment, he doesn't breathe. When he inhales, it's a sob.

He barely managed to make it into his car before he started to cry. It's the first time he'd cried since summer began. And now it's gone.

And so is Johnny.

* * *

He waited for a call for the next three days, worry punching at his chest and rising up his throat like bile. He'd contemplated being the first to text but in the end, at three in the morning, Taeyong picked up his phone and sent the message. 

It delivered, unopened.

For a week. Two weeks. Three weeks. A month. 

It gets to a point that it starts to suffocate him and he couldn't help but confide in Doyoung, who was surprised because it had been the first time he'd heard of a  _ Johnny _ . Taeyong told him about his summer and how he'd spent the entire time with Johnny. Doyoung seemed genuinely shocked, in disbelief that Taeyong had never once mentioned it even when they were constantly messaging each other while Doyoung was away. 

He concludes that Johnny must have ghosted him. It tears at his heart and he feels stupid and embarrassed and during the entire ordeal whilst he beats himself up for being too hopeful, he refuses to touch his camcorder. 

The summer project continues to finish up with remaining sets, morphing into the concept of autumn and Taeyong decides to renew his contract. 

The first real confusion begins when a colleague asked him about his summer. Confused, because most of them assumed he had spent it all by himself and when he had refuted and reminded them of the model that came on set on their third day, all of them had looked genuinely puzzled.

He assumes they were only messing with him, waving it off with a laugh and the topic had dropped. At least until he sits with Yeri during lunch break and she brings it up again.

"Was that Johnny boy you mentioned cute?" She asks, picking at the sandwich she'd gotten from the food table prepared for the staff.

Taeyong blinks. "Yeri, you've spoken to him. Multiple times. You did most of the makeup touch up on him, remember?"

Yeri frowns. "What? No, I don't remember a Johnny. All the boys that came to shoot are cute but I don't think any of them are called Johnny. Did you take pictures of him?"

He could have sworn that Yeri had actually gotten quite close to Johnny when he was on set for his photoshoot and it leaves a huge question mark that Yeri claims to not know him. Taeyong's frown deepens but then he remembers his camcorder and he tells Yeri he'll show her the videos tomorrow.

The first thing he does when he gets home is to dive into his wardrobe in search of the camcorder he'd abandoned weeks ago. He turns it on and it takes a while before the screen lights up. 

Taeyong takes a step back as he waits, sitting upon the edge of his bed while his thumb presses the buttons to view recorded videos. He frowns, panicking as he scrolls through each one that he'd taken of Johnny throughout summer.

He plays a black screen after another black screen, hoping to find one that he would recognize, one that he knew he'd taken not too long ago. Except each one is only a record of a black screen.

There's not a single one that has Johnny in it.

* * *

  
  


It feels like a fever dream.

Taeyong spams Johnny's phone number with messages and calls, all unopened and unanswered. Every single call he makes goes straight to voicemail, not even a voice message, just the machine. 

Taeyong is starting to think he'd dreamed about spending three whole months with a boy that doesn't exist, except there's an extra toothbrush sitting in his bathroom and he remembers Johnny picking it up from the store, remembers Johnny paying for it, remembers Johnny laughing with toothpaste in his mouth over something Taeyong said. It couldn't be a dream.

He simply refuses to believe that it had been some sort of an imagination. Johnny was real and Taeyong promises himself that he would sit idly and accept the fact that he had  _ dreamt _ everything. 

It's proven difficult to find Johnny. He couldn't ask Doyoung because he didn't mention Johnny to him at all while Doyoung had gone with friends for his summer trip. His colleagues had all collectively forgotten the day Johnny charmed every single one of them when he first came.

He tries to look for him on the internet, assuming that since Johnny was a model then there must be  _ some _ information about him online. There isn't.

The only place left to look would be the one in charge of the summer project. They would have kept a record of every staff member and every help that they'd gotten for the project to work. Johnny's name would be in the list, Taeyong is certain.

"Do you know his full name?" The assistant handling paperwork for the organization, Donghyuck, asks, a frown on his forehead as he looks through the document in his laptop. 

"Johnny Suh," Taeyong says, nervous and hoping that Donghyuck could find  _ something _ in the records. "He did a shoot on the third day of this project, Hyuck. Literally everyone on set interacted with him. There's no way his name isn't in there."

Donghyuck's brows furrow even deeper as if he's trying to remember, finger scrolling down the pad of his laptop. "There's honestly no Johnny Suh here, Taeyong hyung. Look, maybe he lied to you about his name? Typical asshole type, I wouldn't be surprised. If you have a picture maybe I can help."

Taeyong wants to scream out in frustration. No, he doesn't have a fucking picture because somehow by some miraculous work every single video he had ever taken of Johnny is gone. 

Noticing his silence and internal turmoil, Donghyuck reaches over to squeeze Taeyong's wrist. "Sounds like you got ghosted, hyung. I think you should just move on from it. Karma will get him."

Instead of arguing, Taeyong merely nods his head and offers Donghyuck a grateful smile. He wants to believe Donghyuck's theory but somewhere deep inside he knows Johnny would never have done that.

He just wishes he wasn't dreaming.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The leaves of autumn had finally started to litter the ground when Taeyong came home to a letter.

He'd taken the weeks in prior to make himself believe that Johnny had ghosted him instead of Johnny being an imagination. He wouldn't say he's doing well but he'd stopped looking, at least openly.

The letter, however, brings him back to square one. 

It's the first thing he notices when he opens the door to his apartment, sitting on his coffee table in an old, brown envelope. There aren't any stamps or indication that it had gone through the mail. Almost as if someone has personally sent it, all the way into his home. Taeyong shudders from the cold. 

He doesn't bother taking off his coat as he sits down on his couch with the letter in hand. He opens it carefully, afraid that if he handles it without care then it'd disappear too. His heart is pounding against his chest as he unfolds the letter, creasing in the way it would when one keeps folding and unfolding it. 

Inside, Johnny's handwriting fills the page.

  
  


“ _ Taeyong. _

_ I'm afraid when this letter arrives for you to read, you would probably already have some sort of resentment for me. It isn't my intention to hurt you, this I promise. Like it has never been my intention to meet you. _

_ I know there are things that are unexplainable that I wish I could explain, if only so you could understand. I've longed for you through my entire existence, as long as I can remember, even without knowing it's you. _

_ Do you believe in soulmates? Someone said each one of us has a red string tied around our pinky finger and it'll lead you to the one that's made for you.  _

_ Mine led me to you.  _

_ But like many things, it isn't simple. When I found you, finally, my heart soared. Because I have waited for so long and I have searched everywhere. It is somewhat poetic, in the most tragic way, that you walk the planes of which I don't belong. _

_ See, I am here. And you are there. In between us, we are worlds and realities apart. I cannot exist where you exist and you cannot breathe where I breathe. It simply just cannot be. But I found a way, didn't I?  _

_ Sadly, it couldn't last.  _

_ My only regret is that by indulging myself into being able to hold you within my arms, I would have to leave eventually. And my departure has hurt you in amounts I never thought it would. I'm sorry, Taeyong.  _

_ I know this must confuse you and this must anger you but know that the times I have spent by your side are the best memories I have ever been gifted with. I will keep them with me, here in my heart. My only parting gift is the one you will find in your memory box.  _

_ I know how it feels to not be alone now and it's thanks to you. I hope you remember me. _

_ Johnny.” _

  
  


He could almost hear him, reading the words of his letter aloud, in that soothing voice he has, the one that hums Taeyong to sleep at night. Without realizing it, Taeyong is crying, tears dampening his cheeks and he doesn't waste another second as he goes to find his camcorder.

The memory file is empty save for a single video. He plays it only to see footage of Johnny laughing over something he couldn't remember. Johnny in the video is wearing the yellow shirt with the palm tree prints, unbuttoned, in his bed mouthing a song they were both listening to.

He remembers the day, remembers how it felt like to listen to Johnny laughing, to see the way his eyes crinkle at the corners, smiling so wide as if he's the happiest boy alive. Taeyong wonders if he was.

That night he laid in bed with the footage playing in a loop, afraid that if he stopped then it would be gone again. Johnny's letter makes no sense yet Taeyong felt as though he had answered every question he's ever had since Johnny disappeared.

Where is  _ here _ , that Johnny mentioned, the reality he claims to live in? Where is  _ there _ that Taeyong was born into? It's ridiculous and it's crazy yet somehow it explains just how everyone else seems to not have known or met Johnny at all.

Most of all, he wondered if Johnny is alone and he wondered if Johnny is afraid.

He falls asleep to the static sound of the camcorder replaying the video repeatedly, Johnny's staccato laugh faint, but there.

  
  


* * *

  
  


When he wakes the morning after, eyes swollen from a night's worth of crying, his camcorder is dead and beside it is the letter but what caught his attention and surprised him to his core are the roses that laid around him, so many that he could no longer see the color of his sheets.

It should scare him. It should freak him out at least a little but instead Taeyong finds closure. If this is Johnny's work then he must be close, wherever he may be. And the thought makes Taeyong's heart lose all the weight it's been carrying. 

He laid there in his bed of roses, staring up at his ceiling. He'd left the doors to the balcony open, having forgotten to close them when he fell asleep and he's taken back to the day he laid right here, between Johnny's legs, bathing in the light of the setting sun, Johnny's skin warm against his own.

There is pain in knowing they could never be, so much more intensified than the one he had felt when he had thought Johnny was just leaving to pursue his career. But there is also peace, in the fact that he was right, that Johnny would never disappear on him, not if he could stay.

But he couldn't. And no matter how much Taeyong had murmured against Johnny's skin when he was here;  _ please stay, please stay _ ,  _ please stay _ , Johnny had to leave anyway.

Later, he cleans up his bed and counts each rose he slips into a vase. There are ninety-nine in total.

_ 'I will love you til the day I die.'  _ Johnny said it meant.

Summer is long gone but Taeyong feels like he's lost Johnny all over again.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnyongclub) or [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/johnyongclub)!


End file.
